52 Churches: The grieving church

Last weekend I co-lead worship with my good buddy David at New Hope Ministries. By far, it was the smallest congregation I have ever seen, but I found it very refreshing. I grew up in a church of about 300-500, and I've been a member of a mega-church since the 5th grade. Everyone knew everyone at New Hope Ministries. You can definitely lose that feeling of closeness in larger churches, which is probably why they emphasize small groups the way they do, but I digress. This is not was impressed me most about New Hope Ministries.

The church had hosted a family movie night the night before I visited. One of their members left early after he started to feel sick. Well, he ended up being hospitalized, and tragically passed away a short time later. On Sunday morning, the pastor had to break the news to his congregation.

It was unlike anything I had ever seen before.

Naturally the tears started to flow. Some people bowed their heads, overcome by the news. Others were shaking their heads in disbelief. I watched from a distance and began to feel my own heart begin to break for them. They had just seen their brother only hours ago, and now he was taken up to be with the Lord in Paradise.

They called it a "Graduation".

What happened next really impressed me. The pastor cast aside the sermon he had prepared for the day and had a dialogue with his congregation. First he asked them what they were experiencing. The answers varied but were normal considering the circumstances. Anger. Confusion. Shock. Sadness. Disbelief. One of the women even said, "It's just not fair!" After their feelings were out in the open, the pastor then talked about what to do and what not to do when handling grief. Everything he said reminded me of what I learned in my Grief & Crisis Counseling course in college two semesters ago.

Lastly, mustering all of the seriousness and authority he could, he said, "We need to come up with an action plan." Then right on the spot everyone began formulating a plan to help the family of their graduated brother. His fiancee is currently sick with cancer and is scheduled to undergo surgery soon.

Everyone in the congregation was ready to help in some way. I knew I had to do something, so I asked if I could lead one more song. They graciously allowed me to do so. Here I was, a stranger to this church, standing on the stage with just a guitar, a microphone, and on the verge of tears. I didn't know what exactly I was supposed to do, I just knew that I had to do something. "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan was the first song to come to mind. It's amazing to me how many people don't actually know the background story to this song. I shared the story with the congregation. While most people think it was written in a time of abundance and overflowing joy, it was actually written out of grief. McMillan sat down and wrote it days after his best friend died in a car accident. Basically the song is an angry cry to God, but it still recognizes the fact that even when our hearts are broken, God is still deserving of our worship.

Maybe you can see it in the lyrics:

__________

"He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

So we are His portion
And He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So Heaven meets Earth
Like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently
Inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

__________

It was beautiful to see this grieving church family manage to lift their hands in worship to the Lord, even in the midst of their anger and confusion. I hope I can return to New Hope Ministries soon, hopefully to celebrate with them rather than grieve.

Before I close out this post, I wanted to offer some practical advice about what to do and what not to do when someone you know is grieving.

What to say/do:

• "I am sorry for your loss."
• Share a memory of their loved one.
• "I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way that I can."
• Recognize and acknowledge the severity of the loss.
• Sometimes it's good to say nothing. Just being there is enough.
• Deliver meals and offer to help with any household chores or grocery shopping. Friends and family are good at doing this for the first couple of weeks but they are still going to need help months down the road.
• Let them be angry or upset. It's okay to shake our fists at God and the world sometimes. 

What not to say/do:

• "Everything happens for a reason." This might be true, but they probably don't need or want that reminder.
• "I know how you feel." No, you don't.
• "Be strong." This puts necessary pressure on them.
• Do not put a timeline on their grief. Everyone grieves differently. They will probably be grieving to some extent for the rest of their lives.

To say the least, I was very impressed and inspired by this church. It is truly unfortunate that they have to go through this difficult time together, but I am fully confident that the Lord will see them through.