Suicide: It's not that surprising

Nothing in this post is meant to be insensitive, though some of it might come off a little on the harsher side. If you're reading this, know that this is an issue very close to my heart and has impacted my life on more than one occasion.

Also, if you are having thoughts of suicide, the number for the
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is +1(800) 237-8255.

Suicide has been a popular topic of conversation here in Cincinnati this week. After a week-long search, missing UC student Brogan Dulle was discovered dead in the vacant house right next door to his apartment. The media first reported that he died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, but later corrected themselves, saying that he was found hanging. The coroner confirmed the latter report. No matter the method, his death was ruled a suicide.

Neighbors and loved ones gather outside Brogan Dulle's
apartment after his body was discovered next door.

It really is heartbreaking, not only for Brogan, whose life was tragically cut short, but for his friends and loved ones, whose time with Brogan was also cut short. The entire city seemed to be invested in his disappearance, and while I never knew Brogan personally, I too felt a connection.

The following day two friends and I went to the scene to pray, expecting to still find people there. We found a neighbor sitting outside on his porch and got to talk to him for a while (it was lovely), but other than that, we just saw a lot of people passing by. It was interesting to see how many people in their cars slowed down to look at the house. One man pulled over and just sat and stared at it for a while. To our surprise, there were still news crews hanging around. WLWT's reporter Jackie Congedo came over and talked to us, which was very pleasant. She asked me a couple of questions, which did not end up on the air, but one of her questions in particular really stuck out to me:

"Does it surprise you that someone so young and in his prime would take his own life?"

Something clicked for me in that moment. Rather, it was like something slapped me in the face. I felt angry. Not at Jackie or anyone in particular. Just by the principle.

My response?

"That's the problem."

Everyone is always surprised by a suicide, myself included. But should we be? I went on to explain that the reason people are surprised when a young person resorts to suicide, is because it is assumed that young people are living the dream.

Friendships.
Relationships.
College.
Picking your major.
Changing your major.
Jobs.
Making plans for your future.

Children look forward to the day when they get to jump into all of those things. Adults look back on those days longingly. But how do the young adults feel when they're the ones actually "living the dream"? Let me tell you, we experience that list above very differently...

Friendships Peer pressure and demand.
Relationships Heartbreak.
College Student loans and all-nighters.
Picking your major "Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?"
Changing your major "Am I making a mistake?"
Jobs Making barely just enough for Ramen Noodles.
Making plans for your future Decisions that will affect your entire life.

Being a young adult is just as much a nightmare as it is a dream. I don't think adults (or even other young adults) quite understand how much pressure we're put through during this time in our lives. Now, I'm not trying to assume that this is true for every young adult out there, and I'm not saying that this is why suicide is such a big deal for young people, but given these factors, it shouldn't be so surprising when suicide does happen. Unfortunately, a lot of young people have additional trials and challenges happening in their lives. Some of them come from broken homes, or are separated from their families entirely. Some young people have young children to care and provide for. Others are facing various addictions. Whether it be pornography or alcohol, addictions still take their toll.

What makes Brogan Dulle's case so peculiar is that there seemed to be no red flags. Some common red flags for suicidal thoughts or behavior are:

• Not wanting to "be a burden".
• Increased anxiety.
• Reckless behavior.
• Sleeping (too much or too little).
• Withdrawal.
• Extreme mood swings.

The even more dangerous red flags include:

• Preoccupation with death.
• Unusual happiness or calmness (seemingly being at peace with everything).
• Loss of interest in hobbies or activities.
• Making unusual arrangements.
• Giving away or selling possessions.

To the human eye, some of these things can go unnoticed. Sometimes loved ones will look back and recall seeing some of these red flags after a loved one has attempted (or died by) suicide. But that does not seem to be the case with Brogan Dulle. The neighbor we spoke to said that Brogan was seemingly one of the happiest people he knew, which is another problem.

Some people are just really good at hiding their personal struggles, especially when outlets like Facebook and Instagram allow us to portray our lives as perfectly as we want to. It's good to be open and honest. It can be unhealthy to be too open and honest, and very unhealthy to not be honest enough. Do you know someone who is strong, happy, and independent? That can be a good thing, but do some investigating. One of my favorite questions to ask is, "How are you... really?" That opens up the door to so much more than, "I'm fine" or any of the other typical answers. Sometimes the strongest, happiest people, are the ones suffering the most on the inside. Two of my own loved ones have killed themselves in the last 4 years, and they both seemed so strong and happy. In fact, I was convinced that one of them was a superhero because of how strong he was. But they were suffering.

One of the questions I have about suicide is, what if it doesn't end your suffering, but rather, ends your chances of ever finding hope? I will never know, but what I do know is this: There is a world of suffering ahead of the loved ones who are left behind, and we need to be sensitive to that.

Don't make jokes about suicide. You never know who you might be hurting... or triggering. Never assume that someone is doing well just because they look fine. Again, "How are you... really?" Keep your personal opinions to yourself. Loved ones are mourning. They don't need your theories or biases to make their world any darker; it's dark enough.

I think that the surprise that follows a suicide is the result of a lack of awareness. It's difficult to be aware of the signs or "red flags" because it's not something people generally think about every day. It's hard to be aware of people's personal demons... but it is far from impossible. I want to encourage everyone reading this to study up on suicide and depression. Also, evaluate your own lives. How much pressure are you under... really? Considering some of these things, should it really be that surprising when a young person does something drastic?

I don't think so.